Today is my birthday......

Today, April 30th 2016, is my 53rd birthday, but it's not a day of celebration for me. I love and thank all my friends for their birthday wishes, but with every one I see, I am quickly reminded that my sister will never celebrate another one. She passed away from cancer on March 10, 2016, the day after her 51st birthday. I realize that she is no longer suffering and is reunited with Mom and Dad, but I still can't find reason to celebrate my birthday. It seems so unfair for me to celebrate, when she's not here. I know I should be thankful that she is no longer in pain, and I am, but I can't reconcile what I know in my head with what I am feeling in my heart and body.

Since her diagnosis on August 17, 2015, I have not felt right in my body. I attribute it to stress and uncertainty about the future. Nothing makes you question your own mortality as the sudden illness and death of someone younger than you; especially if it is your sibling.

I now question whether or not I am suffering from depression. I will be seeking professional help to assist me in determining what is going on, and how best to help me get better.

I am thankful everyday for my family and friends who constantly stand by me and give the love and support on a daily basis.

Missing my Sister

Today is April 23, 2016, one week before my birthday, and one month and two weeks since I lost my sister, DeAnna, to cancer. Each day is getting a little better, but I still find some days when it is all I can do to get out of bed. I have times when i just can't figure out what's going on with me. I'll have pains in my heart, in my chest and in my stomach; I just don't know what's going on. I can't believe she's gone......I can't call her, can't remember the good times, only remember the bad shape she was in and how she was so uncomfortable and sick. What I do try to remember are the times when we had little chats while she was in bed; when i rubbed her legs and feet and gave her a little pedicure with the rolling machine. I remember how she needed me to put on the tape over the port in her stomach after we drained the fluid. I didn't mind doing any of it, I did it because I love her and I did it willingly. I remember when she had an upset stomach and did not make it to the bathroom. I got on my hands and knees and was cleaning the carpet - which is something nobody would have to ask me to do...I did it because I love her. She started crying because I was doing it, and I started crying because she was crying. I told her, "where else would I be, and what would I be doing?" I love her and everything I do/did was out of that love. She would do the same things for me, I know. I wish I had my sister back If she were here, we would do more things together; I would spend more time with her and the family. I would visit more often, and we would just sit and talk. Wonder why you never just sit and talk with the people that you love? I'll tell you why, because we think they will always be there and we'll have time to do it later. Guess what, there is no guarantee of this. Take the time with the people that you love.